Wiccanpedia

by The Swish on Thu 27 Oct 2005 11:34 PM PDT

I really hope I didn't somehow reveal any super private info about me by posting my screenshot. I mean, I should be okay with people knowing that I had Word, Etomi and Weezy & The Swish open, right? RIGHT?!!

I wanted to go to bed tonight and then I stumbled across johnhighway's wonderful creation. As always, when our friends on the W&TS message board do something really neat that seems impossible for those of us without practical web skills, we have to show off a little and post their work.

Good job Mr. Highway.

See the site at Wiccanpedia.com

Matt S

by The Swish on Wed 26 Oct 2005 08:02 PM PDT

I noticed we didn't have any choice pics of Matt S. posted so here's one I took this Saturday.

Courtesy of Oakmist from the Boards

by The Swish on Sat 15 Oct 2005 09:30 AM PDT

Weezy & The Swish - Notice Anything Different?

by The Swish on Sun 09 Oct 2005 01:13 PM PDT

For yesterday's podcast Weezy and I brought in our reenactors. They were so good we might hand off the show to them and just let them host the show.

As most of you know, Weezy testified in a certain high-profile trial. Said high-profile trial was reenacted on the E! channel, with actors playing all the various characters. So we contacted Weezy's reenactor to have her on the show. I can't stand for me, or someone who would play me, not to get the same amount of attention, so I brought in my personal reenactor, whom I employee to attend functions as my stand in when I'm not feeling very social. I also send her home for Thanksgiving so that I can do something fun without feeling guilty.

You'll want to listen to tomorrow's podcast (or Tuesdays, depending when it's posted) because it's one of the better ones.

My reenactor, Angela V. Shelton, is a regular on VH-1's "Best Week Ever" and she, along with her performing partner Frances Callier, are people who I go out of my way to see because they're just that good. By the way, there are few performers I go out of my way for. Word on the street is that they have something in development with a certain major network that will hit the airwaves soon. What I'm trying to say is that it's worth your while to tune in this week.

Weezy's reenactor, Laura Buckles, actually played Weezy in the E! trial and was involved in the Internet's first sitcom, called "Sitcom a Sitcom". She explained what she was doing when she "got the call" from E!, and how she prepared to play our beloved Weezy. Plus, she's the first non-Pakistani I've met who lived in Pakistan and whose life was threatened traversing the Khyber Pass. I don't know where that is, exactly, or even if I got the name of the Pass right. The important thing to know is that she travelled to Afghanistan before Afghanistan become cool, like it is now.

Okay, listen to the podcast. I've got to go back to work.

I love you!

Blogging from The Swish - The News Game Week o' September 11

by The Swish on Sun 18 Sep 2005 02:13 PM PDT

Here are three news stories. One story is completely real; one is completely fake; one has a real headline, but a fake story. Which is which? Post your guesses.

To hear the answer, listen to our latest podcast, coming Monday-ish.

NO GOOGLING!
----------------------------

40 Year-Old Virgin Sues The 40 Year-Old Virgin

A neighbor of actor Steve Carrell has filed a lawsuit against Universal Pictures claiming the film is based on his own life.

The man—Edward Pantone, 43—says no one got permission from him for the story rights, and says it’s more than a coincidence that there are so many similarities between his life and the film. Pantone, a virgin, works in the electronics section at Sears and has a sizeable collection of anime DVDs and characters.

The movie stars Carrell as a forty-year old virgin who works at an electronics store and collects action figures. His buddies make it their mission to find him a woman.

Pantone claims that everyone he knows that’s seen the movie assumes the character is based on him. “People at work call me Andy,” he says, a reference to the movie’s lead character. “It’s embarrassing. I just want to do my job.”

Universal hasn’t commented on the lawsuit, and Carrell’s agent said Pantone’s claim was merit less.

The suit was filed in New York City.
-----------------------------------------

New Trojan Swaps Porn for Koran

Sex may sell in the United States, but not in Dubai. In a bid to gain a Middle East market presence, Trojan Condoms has quietly introduced packaging featuring Koranic versus on condoms. Each condom contains a message for its user, such as “Allah is love” or “Blessed be Allah.”

Dubai is one of the wealthiest cities in the United Arab Emirates and its citizens have some of the freest attitudes toward sex of any Islamic regions.
----------------------------------------------

Diddy Was Dropped by His Fans

Diddy was left floored after he tried to crowd surf at a concert and was dropped by his fans.

The rapper, formerly known as P. Diddy, was performing at top Ibiza nightclub Space when the embarrassing mishap took place. .
According to revellers, the hip-hop star got so excited during the performance he leapt into the crowd, but instead of catching him they moved out of the way and let him hit the floor.

One onlooker said: "He took a dive from the stage , expecting to be caught by his fans. But no one caught him and he landed with a thud on the floor."

After picking himself up, Diddy - real name Sean Combs - reportedly limped back on stage and carried on. The rap star changed his name for a fourth time in July after claiming he was sick of the old moniker and tired of people never knowing whether to call him P or Diddy. .

Blogging from The Swish - Interviewing Ron Zonen

by The Swish on Sat 10 Sep 2005 03:25 PM PDT

We've got prosecuter Ron Zonen in the studio today so I'm trying to come up with questions for him that won't make me look stupid. So far I've got:

1) Who do you think will win on the reality show "Shall We Dance"?

2) What's your favorite Michael Jackson song?

3) When you were prosecuting Michael Jackson, did you happen to get his autograph?
3b: If you got his autograph, can I buy it off you?

4) What kind of car do you drive?

5) Do defense attorneys generally buy better cars than prosecutors on account of the fact that their clients can afford to pay the big bucks?
5b Do you get jealous if your colleagues have nicer cars?

6) What's your address and home phone number?

7) If you were to guesstimate, how many times do you think you've yelled out, "OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR!!!"

I'm going to try and come up with some more.

Blogging from The Swish - A Time for Sacrifice

by The Swish on Thu 01 Sep 2005 11:42 PM PDT

Like many of you, I've been trolling the web for the latest updates on the horror show that's playing out in New Orleans. This is what happens when politics trump good government. Disgusting.

I checked out Daily Kos and read an entry that makes a lot of sense. He talked of skipping Christmas gifts this year, and instead donating money to aid the victims of this national tragedy. I have already donated my would-be Christmas gifts for family and friends to the Red Cross. I know the refugees will need my HBO screener of the miniseries "Empire Falls" more than anyone in my social network--ditto my autographed "Will & Grace" mouse pad.

The devil on my shoulder told me this would be the perfect excuse to avoid the relative nightmare of Christmas shopping, what inevitably turns out to be a whirlwind of anxiety in the final days to the Big J's birthday. And I rarely actually send gifts off on time. So this year it crossed my mind that I could send out a card saying, "In lieu of a scented candle/sweater/DVD, a donation in your name has been made to [An Important Relief Effort].

But then I peruse the message board on Craig's List New Orleans and read post after post of Americans all across the country offering their homes to strangers, and the generosity gives me pause. And I wish I could offer that kind of help.

Since I'm an imperfect and somewhat selfish being, I'm thinking of compromise. I am going to make a donation to the Red Cross, AND I will blame Katrina (and George Bush, by extension) for a lack of gifts this year.

I don't know what else to say.

Blogging from The Swish - Wanted: Happy Days Fan Fiction

by The Swish on Wed 31 Aug 2005 12:21 PM PDT

So last week on Weezy & The Swish, Weezy (aka Louise Palanker) read a piece of Happy Days fan fiction. It was quite disappointing, rather dull. If I had the URL to the story I'd link to it to give you an idea of how bad it was. By "bad" I mean boring.

I said our listeners--or faithful blog readers--would be able to come up with far more interesting fan fiction. Now, it may be that most of you are lazy and/or have better things to do; however, I would be honored to read a quality, listener-written story on the show.

We also discussed those wonderful moments when public figures publicly lose it on air, unwittingly or not, as in the case of Britney Spears using the "F" word when her mic was on. So if there are any gems you guys are fond of, feel free to point me to examples online.

Ummmmm....If anyone is in the Los Angeles area and wants to check out a great stand-up show, you should definitely come out. Here are the details:

Wednesday, August 31st
M Bar
1253 Vine Street
(Located in the shopping center at the corner of Fountain & Vine.)
7:45pm show starts (doors open at 7pm)
Admission: $10

If you want to come early and grab dinner, call to make reservations. This will also guarantee
you a good table: 323-856-0036

JIMMY DORE
EDDIE PEPITONE
HENRY PHILLIPS
CHIP POPE
WAYNE FEDERMAN
STEFANIE WILDER
LAURA SWISHER
KEVIN KATAOKA
MITZI DRUSS

Blogging from The Swish - Atkins Shmatkins

by The Swish on Tue 16 Aug 2005 01:00 PM PDT

I, for one, am happy that Atkins has filed for bankruptcy. A dear friend of mine, a model, committed suicide after accidentally consuming a noodle. When she learned that macaroni were also considered "carbs" (she thought spaghetti was the only pasta), she polished off a bottle of Xanax and overdosed.

It's time for people to stop succumbing to fad diets. Here's what you need to know: a healthy diet is all about balance and moderation, not guilt and despair. I try and maintain this balance.

Take yesterday, for example. For breakfast I ate scrambled egg whites with sliced tomato. For lunch I ate a spinach salad and had a glass of sparkling water with a lemon wedge. And for dinner I ate a baby. Now, it's not like the baby was wrapped in bacon or anything. It wasn't. In fact, it was grilled. And tomorrow I will spend an extra thirty minutes at the gym to work it off.

Am I going to freak out about the amount of food I ate, or about how fattening baby fat is? No. And you shouldn't either.

Blogging from The Swish - The Opposite of Queer

by The Swish on Wed 10 Aug 2005 05:25 PM PDT

I submit "The Opposite of Queer" as the Army's new slogan, as in: Join the Army...It's the Opposite of Queer. "Army of One" and "Be All that You Can Be" aren't in-your-face enough, and probably won't help the military reach their recruiting goals, which were falling short.

Some may say my slogan is immature, but those people are just stupid. They haven't researched the science of effective sloganeering like I have. According to the science, men are far more prone to act irrationally when their masculinity is threatened. There is a quantifiable link between childhood humiliation and Monster Truck enthusiasts. The larger the tires a man has on his truck, the greater the humiliations he experienced as a child. It's a fact.

I'm merely suggesting that we exploit the "queer fear" in men while our country is at war. We obviously need more volunteers.

Who's with me?

Blogging from The Swish - Orange County Racist? Nooooo...

by The Swish on Wed 27 Jul 2005 02:13 PM PDT

So last night I had a set in Orange County and it was one of the most interesting nights in comedy I've had in a while. Because it was my first time performing at this particular venue, I stayed the entire show. I sat through twenty comics. Twenty. That's A LOT of comics to sit through.

Nevertheless, it was oddly fascinating. Aside from a couple of women and a couple of Hispanics, all the comics were straight, white males--my friend Guy notwithstanding. How do I know they were either straight and/or in the closet? Because every comic had a gay joke (or two) to prove it. Jokes like, "I'm anally celibate. And by that I don't mean I'm anal retentive about celibacy, I mean I'm anally celibate." Get it? He doesn't have anal sex?! Here's another. "I write poetry. Just because someone writes poetry doesn't mean their gay. Now, if you write poetry with a c**k in your mouth, you're gay." Tee hee! By the way, I followed that guy on stage. My opening line was, "I write poetry with a c*** in my mouth and I'm not gay." In the comedy biz, that's called "pandering to the audience." I got a huge laugh. Cheers, in fact. For the record, though, the statement wasn't true. I don't write poetry.

But I digress.

I was mostly fascinated by the racism. Obviously, as a comic, I hear a lot of racist humor. When I need a good fix of it, I can head to the Comedy Store and get some. In LA, though, the racism is usually in the form of a pointed joke. I might not personally think it's funny, but I can at least see where others might. Or I can at least see what the comic's attempting to do.

Last night was different. I heard jokes that were both corny AND racist at the same time. Like if you took out the racist element, it would be the kind of joke where you'd roll your eyes and think to yourself, "This guy should keep his day job." But when you throw the racist element in, the joke takes on a whole other dimension. I can't tell you how many times my jaw dropped last night. Guy and I would look at each other like, "Did he just say what I think he said?" It was awesome.

I'm kicking myself that I didn't record the other comics. Here's my favorite joke of the entire evening. The guy was in his late forties, early fifties. He wore ill-fitted jeans (a common theme throughout the night), an Angels t-shirt and sneakers. Here it is:

I was telling my buddy that my wife is a big complainer. She never runs out of things to complain about. He goes, "A real nagger, huh?" No. She's a short white woman, about this tall.

Here's the kicker: This guy is a SCHOOL PRINCIPAL in Orange County.

I heard "dirty Mexican" bandied about. The context, "I could by oranges from a dirty Mexican." That part was a riff, with no actual joke attached to it. Someone talked about being really disoriented, as if on drugs or something, and the only thing he could compare it to were Asian drivers. There was also a punch line delivered with the obligatory Asian accent, "Why you no..."

The trip was eye-opening. To be fair, there were some girls at the next table who seemed shocked at some of the stuff that was said.

Hopefully no one from the show will stumble on this page. Also, many of the comics were really nice. A lot of them came up to me to say they liked my set. One of them invited me to do his room, which I plan to do if he emails me.

And I'll be doing the show again next month. Hopefully I'll remember to tape some stuff (for my own personal use, of course). I should point out, however, that there were some people who made me laugh last night.

Okay, all for now.

Blogging from The Swish - Get Out of My Country

Blogging from The Swish - Get Out of My Country

by The Swish on Sun 17 Jul 2005 04:19 PM PDT

That's what I told my so-called friend and Co-host Louise Palanker after she maligned me publicly, calling my character into question. I've been shaking with rage all day and it is only now that I can respond.

First of all, Weezy claims I downed a Coke in "minutes." Weezy, try an hour. I drank the Coke in the course of an hour. Then she points out that we had to interrupt the podcast because I "had to go to the bathroom." That's true; however, I fail to see what bearing the size of my bladder has on the quality (or lack thereof) of our show. I have a small bladder. That means I'll go to the bathroom more often than others will. But most people don't hold it against me. Weezy seems to think it matters and that saddens me.

To be fair, Weezy did have to print a few pages out for me because I'd run out of ink. Weezy, I will pay you whatever the cost of the ink I may have used. I will also bring you ten blank sheets of paper to replenish the ones I used. It won't happen again.

She implies it took a great deal of energy to act "civil" towards me while we recorded TWO podcasts. I should point out that it takes a lot of energy on my part to carry the show as I do. But I do it anyway because I want the show to be a success. Do I mention to her how hard it is for me to carry the show? No. I don't. I say, "How are you?" "Weezy, how is your week going?" See? I try to be pleasant.

And for all this, all I get is vitriol. So today I called her up and told her to get out of my country. I said she shouldn't come back until she thought long and hard about her recent post. Also, she should bring me a gift from where ever she goes by way of apology. If I like the gift, I will accept the apology.

I'll keep everyone up to date as the feud develops.

Blogging from Swish - (866) 758-6991

by The Swish on Mon 11 Jul 2005 01:14 PM PDT

If you get really bored, feel free to call up the voicemail to Weezy and The Swish. But why should you call up? Good question. Probably to help us get to the bottom of a serious poll. Ummmm, I just read about green evangelists, evangelists for the environment. They're behind the controversial website What Would Jesus Drive? I think that's a wonderful question to kick things off. Here's my answer: I think he'd drive a convertible 1999 Mazda Miata with a bumper sticker that read, "If you can read this you're too close" in the back. I can totally see him in a Hawaiian shirt, shorts and Birkenstocks driving along the PCH with his hair blowing behind him, former blind guy sitting next to him.

What do you think? Call , post your response or do both.



In other news, following the indirect advice of Weezy, I went out and got Cool Edit Pro so I can learn to do some sound editing. I can now add this program to all the others I want to learn--HTML, Photoshop and Dreamweaver. It's supposed to be really simple to use, very intuitive. I suspect it's probably very intuitive. And if I am, in fact, correct, it follows that I am the opposite of intuitive. Either that or I don't possess the same level of patience most technical folk do when tackling new projects. A good friend of mind is a self-taught computer consultant, very bright. His wife told me that he'd spend as much as six hours tinkering with a problem until he figured it out. I was blown away. I typically give up after fifteen minutes on a problem. Then again, it probably would have taken me much longer than six hours to figure out the same problem, but it put things in perspective for me.

All right, I've got to get back to learning all these wonderful things. Maybe in 10 years I'll have figured one of 'em out.

Blogging from Swish - Laura Swisher: Def Poet

by The Swish on Fri 08 Jul 2005 01:00 PM PDT

Laura Swisher: Def Poet

Last night I discovered my next calling: Def Poet. I was roaming Barnes & Noble with Guy (lawyer Geek) and Dustin (English lit Geek) and Guy picked up a paperback of Def Poetry Jam poems. The idea was to read random poems with the same cadence and passion exhibited on the HBO show.

Well, that was too easy. I found I'm a natural. The next challenge was to grab random books outside the poetry section and attempt to make the words seem weighty and political. My discovery? Again, I'm a natural. I was able to read a recipe from a Santa Fe cookbook and make it sound like Lanston Hughes.

Doubt me if you must, but come next podcast I shall demonstrate my unique ability. If there's anything you want to hear Def Jaminated, let me know--perhaps I'll treat you to a reading.

Oh, I also bought season two of Dave Chapelle. Turns out I paid too much for it. Barnes & Noble not so great with DVD prices. Oh well.

Blogging from Swish - Happy July 1st & 4th

by The Swish on Tue 05 Jul 2005 06:15 PM PDT

So I just got back from Big Bear this weekend. This was the trip that necessitated our taping the comedy cast on FRIDAY instead of SATURDAY. Weezy took the change particularly hard and sent out a really nasty email implying that I am a diva. Hey, I'm not the one who makes my gardeners sprinkle rose petals along the path leading to my front door. I don't even have gardeners. If something needs to be done around the house, I do it myself, unlike someone I know.

Ummm...for more, though not more interesting, information on my weekend at Big Bear, go check out www.lauraswisher.blogspot.com.

Since comedycast #4 went up earlier this week, we've been absolutely bombarded with emails from folks wanting to learn more about Canada Day. I had no idea the topic would resonate as much as it did. People are absolutely bonkers for Canada. So, because YOU asked for it, here's a brief article on the history of Canada Day:

Canada Day

Background

On June 20, 1868, a proclamation signed by the Governor General, Lord Monck, called upon all Her Majesty's loving subjects throughout Canada to join in the celebration of the anniversary of the formation of the union of the British North America provinces in a federation under the name of Canada on July 1^st.

The July 1 holiday was established by statute in 1879, under the name Dominion Day.

There is no record of organized ceremonies after this first anniversary, except for the 50^th anniversary of Confederation in 1917, at which time the new Centre Block of the Parliament Buildings, under construction, was dedicated as a memorial to the Fathers of Confederation and to the valour of Canadians fighting in the First World War in Europe.

The next celebration was held in 1927 to mark the Diamond Jubilee of Confederation. It was highlighted by the laying of the cornerstone by the Governor General of the Confederation Building on Wellington Street and the inauguration of the Carillon in the Peace Tower.

Since 1958, the government has arranged for an annual observance of Canada's national day with the Secretary of State of Canada in charge of the coordination. The format provided for a Trooping the Colours ceremony on the lawn of Parliament Hill in the afternoon, a sunset ceremony in the evening followed by a mass band concert and fireworks display.

Another highlight was Canada's Centennial in 1967 when Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II attended the celebrations with Parliament Hill again being the backdrop for a large scale official ceremony.

The format changed in 1968 with the addition of multicultural and professional concerts held on Parliament Hill including a nationally televised show. Up until 1975, the focus of the celebrations, under the name "Festival Canada", was held in the National Capital Region during the whole month of July and involved numerous cultural, artistic and sport activities, as well as municipalities and voluntary organizations. The celebration was cancelled in 1976 but was reactivated in 1977.

A new formula was developed in 1980 whereby the National Committee (the federal government organization charged with planning Canada's Birthday celebrations) stressed and sponsored the development of local celebrations all across Canada. "Seed money" was distributed to promote popular and amateur activities organized by volunteer groups in hundreds of local communities. The same approach was also followed for the 1981 celebrations with the addition of fireworks displays in 15 major cities across the nation.

On October 27, 1982, July 1^st which was known as "Dominion Day" became "Canada Day".

Since 1985, Canada Day Committees are established in each province and territory to plan, organize and coordinate the Canada Day celebrations locally. Grants are provided by the Department to those committees.

Isn't that adorable!?

Blogging from Swish - What to do if you spot a UFO

by The Swish on Sun 26 Jun 2005 01:58 PM PDT

I consider myself extremely lucky that I happened to stumble across this very important piece of news. And if you're reading this, you, too, are lucky because I'm going to give you information that could potentially thwart a War of the Worlds-type scenario. No joke. I suggest you copy and paste this post into an email and send it to everyone on your contact list. It's just that important. Here it is, the ten things you should do if you encounter a UFO. I'm going to paraphrase a bit. Should you want to get a more in-depth, "accurate" account, check out the SF Gate article or visit the Mutual UFO Network's website. Here we go:

1. REMAIN CALM! DON'T EFFING PANIC!!!! SERIOUSLY! YEAH, YOU MIGHT BE IN DANGER, BUT BE COOL. Don't go throwing rocks at the UFO. Hide if you have to. Above all: DON'T MAKE THEM ANGRY.

2. Wait a few hours until your buzz wears off and ask yourself this: Are you SURE what you saw was a UFO? Think about it. Are you POSITIVE? No one's going to be mad if you realize what you saw was a helicopter, or something from this earth. Eliminate every other possibility.

3. STOP STARING AT THE THING SLACK-JAWED AND GET YOUR G-DAMN CAMCORDER! What? You think your description is going to be enough? Get PROOF. And don't be all herky jerky with your taping. Make sure to get points of reference, like a mountain in the background, how far thing is from the ground...that type of thing. And don't try and get all Michael Bay on us. Just shoot it straight.

4. If you're, like, the only person on the planet without a camcorder, then use a tape-recorder and describe what's going on. Like, I'm 50 feet away from the keg in my backyard, near the North-facing fence. I see red flashing lights...wait, that's a cop. No, I see green blinking lights in the sky; it sounds like....

5. If there are other people around, make sure they come up with their own descriptions. DON'T COLLABORATE. You do your work, they'll do theirs. Let the experts sort it out.

6. If any evidence was left behind, DON'T TOUCH IT, YOU MORON! Duh. Take pictures, film it, whatever. Also, you don't know where that spaceship has been. You might touch some space goo and then BOOM! Chlamydia of the hand or something.

7. Okay, if the object was spotted at a distance, what would it take to cover it from an arm's length? A penny, quarter, baseball cap, fist. What?! This will help people who understand math to figure out how far away it was, or how big it was.

8. How fast was it going?

9. If you see a space person, hide. But don't hide so well that you can't videotape the thing. Also (and SF Gate didn't even mention this), cover the blinking red light on your camcorder. Space aliens like blinking red lights. AND--and this is really important--if you take a picture don't use flash. This will give the space being red eye and you'll have to photoshop that out later. Oh, and it might alert the creature as to your location, so it can easily kill you.

10. Immediately report the siting to a crackpot organization dedicated to proving UFOs really exist.

11. Post a description to my blog.

Well, good luck out there, folks.

Blogging from Swish - The Mochi Papers/Weezy Loses It

by The Swish on Sat 25 Jun 2005 08:31 PM PDT

Mochi: One great reason to shop at Trader Joe's. I got strawberry Mochi today, my favorite flavor (and I normally am not a fan of strawberry). Another good bet, if you're not yet hip to the deliciousness that is Mochi--Green Tea. Chocolate not so much.

Have just returned from taping podcast number three. Weezy looses it, breaks down in tears and slanders one of our most respected presidents. It was truly disgraceful. I don't want to talk about it. I'm really worked up. If she thought she got hate mail before...

Bean, my pooch, has learned the craft of holding her poop in. I go to walk her, she knows if she does her business right away, walks over. If she waits, holds it in, she gets a few blocks out of me, even if I'm in a hurry. I think it's bull crap.

Saw the new zombie movie last night. Though I'm not a huge fan of zombie movies, I really enjoyed it. Run out to see the movie. Or take slow, but plodding, jerky steps toward theater with your arms out.

NEWSFLASH!

The war's over. Just heard on the news. The insurgency realized they really did want democracy after all. Phew! Now we can stop worrying about that whole mess and can concentrate our energy on the Phil Spector trial. Where does he get his hair done? Seriously, does anyone have the number to his hair dresser?

Got to eat and then party. Hearty.

Dig?

Blogging From Swish - BUI

by The Swish on Sat 25 Jun 2005 06:42 PM PDT

Einz, Zwei, Drei...Laughensie

You vill laugh now. Nein? Okay zen, ve vill try to laugh togezer. Open ze mouth, push air out. Yell at ze person who made you mad today, and zen, vile yelling, try to smile. Now you are halfway to laughing. Das ist gut! That is gut for today. See you tomorrow.

How did that seem to you? I'm thinking of applying for a job as a Professor of Laughter--only problem is I'd have to relocate to Germany, where a laugh institute just opened up. Apparently Germans and happiness don't naturally go together.

According to a 2005 health survey published this week by DAK, a German health insurer, the number of people diagnosed with depression in Berlin has risen 70 percent since 1997.

A study of 90,000 working Berliners revealed that while 10 percent fewer people took sick leave from work in the past year, some 12 percent of those who stayed home did so because they were suffering from depression and panic attacks. Mental problems are therefore the top reason for absence from work, well ahead of other health issues.

Ahhhh yes, Germany. This story takes me back to the summer of 1989, when a young Laura Swisher traipsed through Europe visiting all her foreign acquaintances, from Spain to Holland to...okay, maybe it was just Holland and Germany. I don't recall. Anyway, I definitely remember traipsing. Germany comprised the first leg of my lil' vacation. I flew into Frankfurt where I didn't know a soul, and the German people welcomed me to their country the way Americans welcome mimes on our streets--with suspicion and a hint of disdain. So, yeah, a laugh school would probably help.

The point I'm really trying to make is that I went to Berlin the last summer before the infamous wall came down. And I visited East Berlin, on the other side of the wall, and paddled in a boat on a stream/river with East Germans, along with my West German friend, Sabine. They were cool, the East Germans. My friend was borderline cool, but being German she couldn't completely unwind and have a good time. And by "have a good time" I mean she refused to do heroin with me and go on a wilding spree in the park. I kid. Women can't wild.

After Germany (Berlin & Bielifeld) I headed to gay Paris and ended up hanging out with Italians. A Moroccan man tried to seduce me on the metro. An old man on the sidewalk smiled at me and said, "Quelle cherchez vous?", or something like that, when I was reading a map. What are you looking for? And he gave me directions.

Now my point is that there are more smiles in France than in Germany. And if I were to go on to describe my hot summer nights in Sardinia, I'd have to say there were more smiles there than in Paris or all of Germany. I met a boy, sweet as can be. We went strolling, drank lemonade. Oh...those Sardinian nights.

Did any of this make sense? Probably not.