Tonight, my friend Deb and I went to do comedy at Coffee Haven in Long Beach. The room is run by our friend, Kerry Arnold Stevens who is a funny man and a gentleman. It seems, however, that since the last time I was there, the place has become overrun by angry lesbian poets. Now, please understand that I would be fine with lesbian poets or angry poets or even angry lesbians. But, a room full of angry lesbian poets can be very overwhelming to a sensitive, thoughtful comedian such as myself. What I’m trying to say is they were mean to me.

Here’s how it went down… the ALBs had taken over the first three rows and when I began my act, they were all glaring at me and chanting, “Labyrinth! Labyrinth! This, I later learned, is the name of their favorite angry lesbian poet. I was not Labyrinth and this made them angrier. Now, when angry lesbian poets go from angry to angrier, they become irate lesbian poets. This is not a good thing. I tried to get them to stop chanting by saying something funny, or at least something that I thought was funny. One of them actually pointed at me and laughed. I said, “I feel as though you’re laughing at me, not with me.” The angriest one of them snarled and spit and said, “We ARE laughing at you.” I said, “You guys are like the mean girl table at lunch.” She said, “Well, you’re not funny!” Then everyone in the place went, “Oooohhh.”

At that point, my inner voice said “Screw them,” and just did my act. Because, a lot of my jokes are good and when in doubt, or in terror, do the act. So, I got laughs and got off the stage and here comes the kicker. I hope you are ready because this is awesome… all of the angry lesbian poetry, I mean all of it, each and every angry lesbian poet and each and every angry lesbian poem is all about love and tolerance and conquering the fear of rejection and accepting all of God’s unique creatures as beautiful in the eyes of the universe, and righteously defying the injustice of the insensitive and blah dee freakin’ blah blah.

I just sat there staring at angry lesbian poet after angry lesbian poet thinking, “Am I not outcast enough for God’s love?” Or, “Are you people just angry lesbian hypocrites?

Then, my friend Comedian, Leo Flowers got up on stage and he went, “What the Hell just happened here?” Thanks, Leo. That was cool of you, because yeah, those girls really did hurt my feelings. It made me feel very exposed and vulnerable and no matter how smooth I attempted to appear, it hurts when people publicly mock you.

I’m sorry if I’m not Labyrinth. I will never be Labyrinth and my act isn’t angry and I don’t wave my arms around in extreme gestures and then back away from the mic while making a nasty face as I pose for dramatic effect after chanting something like this:

Jane is pain! Jane is rain!

My soul darkens! Emptiness harkens!

Thoughts of death! Hold my breath!

Falling, falling! Heartbeat stalling!

Moist touch enthralling my love cave!!!!

(I made that up in the spirit of what I heard tonight)

In fact, most of my jokes don’t even rhyme but I do have feelings.